+28 votes
517 views
in Suggestion by (130 points)

Dear FICSIT Inc Representative - this is Engineer 2C3, delivering my daily report from the top of Lookout Tower Delta, my new permanent home.

I am not coming down and you cannot make me!

As per FICSIT Inc Milestones, my goal for today was to build an Oil Pump in a valley one kilometer from the dropsite, in an area of particularly hostile wildlife. Of particular note are the spider-like Stingers, which seem to grow a little... larger in this area. Amidst building this new facility, I turned around and saw one such spider scittering across the base. Two problems were immediately apparent, the first being that said base is only about 20 meters across, and the second being that said spider was the size of a f***king truck!!!

Please find attached coordinates for Beacon 3A, for your use in targeting a high yield orbital bombardment.

I have filled the facility with flammable liquids for your convenience.

To answer your potential questions, yes this Beacon is placed on top of a highly flammable Oil Pump in a base filled with flammable liquids, and yes, I am standing on top of said pump, factors that I hope does not stop you shelling this location from orbit.

If you are unable to satisfy my very reasonable request to engulf this godforsaken valley in flames with me inside it, I request schematics for a more appropriate weapon. The Rebar Gun is a satisfying deterrent against Fluffy Tailed Hogs, but I feel that the fact that this planet contains vehicle-sized spiders necessitates a more appropriate firearm, such as a gun that shoots entire trains.

Acceptable alternative schematics would be a semi-automatic version of the Rebar Gun, a handheld Rail Gun, or an oil based Flamethrower, this last one has the distinct advantage of allowing me to manually purge this valley, and/or this planet, just to make sure.

I eagerly await your response at your earliest convenience, preferably in the form of a supersonic shell from orbit. In the mean time I am well provisioned atop my tower with three berries and all the rubber I can eat, and am whiling away the hours considering creative uses for my Rebar Gun's last shot.

Sincerely,
Engineer 218C, Sovereign King of the Nation Tower of Nope.

by (5.5k points)
+5
Haha nice one.

2 Answers

+9 votes
by (18.3k points)
edited by
Here is HQ. Unfortunatly we cant see any hostiles in your area. Is it possible you ate too much mushrooms? Seems like you are hallucinating.

To answer your request, rumors say there will be more weapons. This information is classified.

If our readings are wrong (which is very unlikely) we hope you will manage to hold up a little bit longer. Our scientists are working day and night for more content. Rumors say they will have some by the end of this month.

To be clear bombarding your area would be a huge waste of resources. We at FICSIT do not waste.

Hang in there and stay effective.

HQ out
0 votes
by (2.2k points)
dude!!! targeted orbital strikes!!! that would be SO FUCKING AWESOME, at least if there was something so big and dangerous that you would see and shit your pants right away. for big ass spiders or swarms of small ones i would prefer something more portable like a flamethrower, i like my spiders crispy :D
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